I've backed away from some such individuals just to minimize collateral damage. I know my limits somewhat I guess. Please stop. I no longer have any empathy for narcissists or echoists as defined by Dr. Craig Malkin , who think defending ourselves against people who has no conscience or regards for another person's rights or needs makes us just like them or is somehow immoral. Narcissists are not gullible, they are the opposite. They are calculating, extremely manipulative and only care about personal gain. They have taken over our government and are increasingly making their dominance felt in personal relationships as well.
Because they can. We've let them and we increasingly "normalize" their behavior. They are more emboldened then ever. Feel sorry for the victims, not the perpetrators. I appreciate the author's attempt to figure out how to use the narcissists' weaknesses against them, because empathy, trying to reason with them or educate them, trying to shame them, calling out their lies --none of it works.
What we know of their weakness: They are highly contemptuous of others, even those who are useful to them, their vindictiveness is disproportionate to the perceived offence, they hate being ignored and will escalate even when they go quiet, they are planning something , they think they are above the law, they have a need to risk getting caught because they want credit for being good cheaters, they are easily triggered.
Maybe using their own tactics against them is the only answer. I'm not suggesting anything. Republished the article to share insights. Revenge is never a good idea. I have a Group of such narcissists abusves stalkers around my place not letting me alone, nvading my privacy and trying to drive me made day by day then for them I am crazy when themselves are crazy It does not matter what people said to me, or if I am hearing music or film, they always try to turn the story of the film or the song against me. They seems to be well known in the part of the Street I live, and some people seems to support them, they just drive me nuts more and more every day I am born with a Mitral Insuffisisency, and from my father side they are Angina pectoris, my mum had two strokes, while she has a nervous high blood pressure called Hypertension and I have this too, so when they gazlight me, or harasse me with stuff that does not make any sence, nonsence stuff and useless stuff my blood pressure goes crazy high and I can have a stroke at any time or a Heart attack, that they are pushing and creating, thiose people if something happen to me are murder, they knows about then I did answer to them when I am hearing them And there they use it again saying that I am Schyzophren, but to be such you must have two or three stuff from three different levels, they go on every day nothing to stop them, the police is useless, they come inside my house, cut my filter, move stuff, stiehl my clothes, paper work etc Very very made people, and I am not Schyzophren at all I did take photos from Peil sender and emitter that I have found with my detectors, nothing was done at all And this goes on..
New Zealand said that they are open to receive foreign people and be friendly with them? In My country France we have New Zealander, if they were harassed they are laws and people goes in Prison, but they won;t try to make you look stupid, or crazy This is really enough! I should be able to live where ever I want without to be harassed. I think that this type of people can ust be best punish in them their tongue will be cut and maybe made to enuch Yucky People are those sick damned Narcissists Gazighter and Stalkers!
Beurk Beurk! It's important to distinguish between intentional deceit and manipulation, and miscommunication coming from different communication styles.
Communication styles could be grouped into three broad categories: Individualist, direct, and collectivist. Communication between people from different parts of the spectrum tends to be a complete disaster, even when both parties act in good faith. Let's say asking for assistance. In an individualist group, reqests are made by subtle hints, and it's on the other party to guess what you need and do it. Direct requests are unnacceptable. In a direct group, you ask directly, but you need to xpect to get a no as an answer.
In a collectivist group, you also ask directly, but you don't ask unless you're absolutely certain the answer will be yes, as saying no is hard and you could unduly inconvenience the person who isn't able to easily refuse your request. I think it's clear how it could lead to catastrophic results when e. Similarly, an honest request for advice can be easily taken as fishing for compliments by the individualist person, who may feel that any direct criticism is unnaceptable. An individualist person may help somebody behind their back from their own initiative, and be surprised their help wasn't recognized.
These patterns are so deeply ingrained it may be hard for any party to even notice that such serious miscommunication occurs, much less than understand why. I grew up with one who was 12 yrs. It took my whole confused life to understand them. Trump is a narcissist and very dangerous. Some politicians and such other corrupt humans can appreciate what they think they get out of pleasing such a character, but many will be fooled and hurt. Our whole life in America is being distorted by his mental derangement. I hope someone or thing does push him to the brink of self destruction.
Otherwise, his false followers will continue to get benefits. Our laws, humanity are at stake. People who do not understand narcissism are uneducated. Maybe they do not even see that he is a dictator! We must vote this monster and his followers OUT! Thank you, Dr. Seltzer for such a great article. I want it to circulate all over America. Don't trust anyone it's sad when your husband is having love affairs with your best friend, i noticed my husband is getting too much closer with my friend Monica, my husband chats now in private,his calls are in secret and he changed his phone password, I was wondering what must have gone wrong,i had to consult my sister who introduced me to h a c k i n g l o o p 6 g m a i l.
Great article. A big difference between a narcissist and a psychopath is that when a psychopath is caught in a lie, he asks himself how he got caught, learns from his mistake, and improves his lying game--whereas a narcissist can't get past the part where she admits to herself that she lied. This is why narcissists often give themselves away by telling clumsy, amateurish lies that fool no one but the teller.
It's usually narcissists who accuse others from doing this, because they don't make a difference between what the person actually said and what they thought about it. Yes, exactly. A narcissist's favorite accusation is "that person is a narcissist" but their second favorite accusation is "you're gaslighting me! It's true narcissists project what they are saying and doing themselves onto their target and fool a lot of people along the way.
That's why instead of paying attention to their words, we really need to pay attention to their actions, while keeping in mind that the victim may be engaging in reactive "abuse" as a defense mechanism. In a high conflict situation, people use labels as a means to devalue someone. To focus on the character that they created for that person, and consider their defense as narcissistic abuse. There is always two sides to the story. In a legal battle, the jury must focus on the details, instead of how many network of people the opposition has concregated.
In a sexual harassment case for example, most of the victims became the victim because they tend to have minimal resource - and the real abuser have vast network and resource. You seem to be dismissing all complaints of narcissistic abuse as just a way to devalue another person. I suggest you consider the definition of domestic abuse: "A pattern of behaviors in which one partner seeks to maintain power and control over the other partner" and look at the power dynamics before dismissing a victim's complaints.
Second, it's true that sometimes, narcissists have a harem of "flying monkeys". They even fool mental health professionals. For example, a sister who rarely sees the parties and is vouching for her brother is not as credible as a family friend who has spent a lot of time with the parties and has personally witnessed abusive behavior. Third, sexual predators are usually highly narcissistic. How else do you explain their lack of conscience and disregard for their victims' rights, feelings and physical boundaries? Also typical of narcissists to take no responsibility for their actions. I'm not saying there aren't cases where false accusations are made.
But looking for narcissistic traits and the power dynamics can be very helpful in determining the truth and the true dynamics of any high conflict situation. Communicate directly, not through gossips or other sneaky way. Confront one-on-one. You are playing a far sinister game when you are ghosting the person, and by this, it means that you are the ghost, scaring the individual with guilt-tripping accusations you can't tell that person yourself.
This article has been a long time in coming. I was so happy to read it! Validates what I just went through. The narcissist becomes ensnared in their very own arrogance. Good vs Evil. Let good win! The description written here is very accurate even though they were very different people in very separate professional fields their MO was almost identical. The two narcs in question have done considerable damage in my life emotionally relationship and professionally.
I was their supply possibly due to being on the spectrum with Aspergers which was only diagnosed a year ago. These highly manipulative people are best to be aware of especially if you are a caring person willing to put others first - they will exploit that ethic to the max they can sniff it out like a bloodhound. Having stories and examples abound about the cold calculated behaviour of these people with a personality disorder and believe me it is warped I could back-up everything the Dr has said about them.
What gives me some justice is the fact they are so insecure and fragile inside they are open to being played at their own game. After having a two year relationship 14 years ago with a narc Ive never had another relationship since. After working with a narc for two years and then being fired in secret I have never worked since due to the abuse and bullying. Without wanting to be a victim is gives me some form of peace knowing these people can be hurt too by their own method no less.
But my best advice is do not get tangled in their web, steer clear. Good luck. I read a criticism once that a minister wrote about another self-proclaimed minister after a second wife that he wanted to worship divorced him -- He described their marriage as "One tare judging another tare. I experienced a relationship with a narcissist for decades until they died. It took a lifetime and several good books to teach me the facts.
I regret that I was not aware much sooner. Makes him happy. While I was living with him I did what he wanted. Parenting was hard I did it all on my own, I am learning to do different now but still hard when he still harps on me everyday that its all my fault. I am startled by the author's simplistic, objectifying vilification of the 'narcissist'.
When does someone with narcissistic traits suddenly become a 'narcissist'? Why does another person choose a 'narcissist' in the first place? Isn't the flip side of narcissism a sense of total worthlessness? No, actually the narcissist is self-loathing and projects that onto others. The information in the book may help you understand. Everything is all about his life and what he wants.
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Every job he. Gets everyone is stupid and lazy except for him.
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He is always complaining about his life. He is shady about things and acts like a recluse says he hates people and he is better and more talented then others. Watches TV all the time and doesn't want to be bothered and has no interest in sex but claims he is normal and also angry temper if you speak to him about this being a problem throws things and then says he is sorry over and over again I tell him how he is wrong but he says everyone else is bothering him wants to be alone in his own world.
Plays guitar well but needs original music and feels he deserves to be a movie star I have given up we are like room mates if the right one comes along I am disappearing because he makes drama if I tell him I am leaving. I'm a recovering narcissistic partner person. I'm able to see when. I'm going narcissistic and regroup fast and apologize when I need to my husband of 23 years, children, friends, and colleagues.
Thanks, Dr. I was married for 15 years to a man who admitted to exhibiting narcissistic tendencies. He was the one who filed for divorce because "he was not getting anything out of the marriage. He never wanted him, took it out on me for getting "myself" pregnant, and said life would be better if son had never been born.
He was abusive to me and had a sudden temper so I was afraid to leave my son alone with him. He went for full visitation and I was told there was nothing I could do to black it even though I had proof that he exposed my 9-yr. After the divorce I tried to keep my distance from him because my counselor said he was not a safe person for me to be around.
He always finds ways to inject himself into my life. He constantly stirs up trouble. When I could not pay him, he sued me for contempt of court and asked that I be put in jail. When we dated he treated me like a queen. That ended soon after the marriage. He was always telling me how inadequate I was. I told him numerous times that I felt like I was his "maid and whore.
Abusive verbally and emotionally. Nothing to this day was ever his fault. Been thru more women then underwaer. We have two children. He is working on marriage number 4. We are in and out of court as he doesn't want to be responsible for child support. He is very evil. The day I met my narcissist I was a strong independent woman with a large circle of friends a usher in my church and a strong relationship with my children.
The day I first escaped I was a terrified self-cutting abused woman who swore no man would ever treat me that way. The third time I escaped I had been to jail twice with no family or friends left. I am free now and have moved away to escape. I am still rebuilding my life, my family and my self. Each day is a struggle.
When I met him I thought we would be together forever now just the scars remain. With Gods help I am slowly recovering but will never be that either woman again. The funny one in the group or the woman who fell for it all. I have been divorced from my ex for over ten years now. At the time of marriage I had no idea that he was a narcissist. In fact I didn't even know what a narcissist was. The first stages of dating were great he was everything I thought I wanted. After our marriage I found out his true nature.
He is a full blown narcissist. He has managed to use the court system to his advantage. He managed with the help of his family to get our custody agreement reveresed and become custodial parent of our two young children. He does not want them but doesn't want me to have them. He's emotionally abusive and at times physically abusive to them.
I've been to court several times trying to get things changed but no one will listen! My children are suffering but the court system doesn't care about their well being. Now my daughter has been diagnosed with a very serious diesase that is life threatening with long term treatment. He is verbally abusive to her cruel and no one in the hospital environment seems to notice or care. I am concerned even more now for my children's safety at the hands of this man. The court system is not only broken it's heartless and money grubbing! I wish there were honest, caring people in the system that could help but I have yet to find any of them.
All I've found is heartless money chasers who don't care! I was married to a narcissist and that eroded my personality. It was so abusive and damaging. And it was ways so subtle. If he would beat me - you would see marks. But there are no bruises to show from the emotional abuse one gets. I am still damaged and traumatized.
I divorced two years ago and was in a really depressed bad emotional state. I didn't want to go into legal battles with him as I knew there will be no winning him in court. We live in an extremely expensive area. But I can't move from here to a more affordable one because I need to live close to him and his house. I pay almost double for rent for a 1br apartment than he pays for a small mortgage on his nice house. The only thing that counts in court aparently is the difference between salaries. So when I worked hard and got a salary rise recently, my child support was just reduced.
And if ever a day will come where I will earn more money than him - I would have to pay him. The housing situation doesn't bother anybody. All in the meanwhile he buys the children off with expensive gifts, while I am just struggling to barely make ends meet. I have been separated and now divorced for almost a decade and my ex continues to keep the conflict alive.
My kids and I are learning we can only control ourselves, not him. We are developing our skill set which I hope will serve us all well going forward. We continue to go to court because he disregards the orders.. I represent myself now because I cannot afford legal representation. Hi Marg, I invite you and others here to come join us on Facebook for continued support and discussion so you can connect with others going through this.
My experience is with someone who, at the very least exhibits strong narc traits, is a daily struggle. He is a business partner with me for better than 12 years and per an agreement with struck approx. However, he cannot be fired and is still a good overall sales contributor. Still, it's exhausting and a constant battle, as he tries his utmost to obstruct and have his things his own way.
I can't have a face to face conversation without him disagreeing angrily with me over situations that my other executives feel are rational, thought-through and in the well being of the company. He constantly lies to each and every one of us about his activities, and when on occasion I can call him out on a claim, he explodes into a rage about me "twisting his words". His behavior is often that of a petulant teenager. It took me years to finally see him for what he is: a manipulator extraordinaire, someone who loves to grandstand and someone who is deeply insecure with himself, yet tries desperately to exude otherwise.
I feel in many ways that I've created this 'monster', in that I bent over backward to accommodate him and in giving him power that now he doesn't have but is desperately fighting to have back. Maybe this is a combo of strong narc traits and a degree of megalomania? I am glad to see that the author points to narcissism as a personality quality existing on a spectrum.
As a clinical psychologist, I routinely learn of persons using the term as synomous with all manner of human darkness. The truth is, we are all narcissistic to a degree, but it is the pathology discussed here that robs loved ones, children in particular, of pieces of their soul. I was married to a narcissist for 10 years and have been divorced from him for almost 4 years. It was miserable being married to him and now it's miserable being divorced from him. I can go on forever about how abusive he was and still is is but will only touch on a few things here. He is a financial train wreck he had no work ethic and will find every excuse to justify why he's like this.
One reason of course is me. At one point he literally stopped working to pursue a modeling career as a body builder. He weighed his food, spent countless hours in the gym and left for weekends to be in shows. He would leave me and our baby home while doing this. Our daughter had a broken leg at 4 years old and as soon as we got home from the hospital he went to the gym, it was Memorial Day and he had to call area gyms to see which ones were open. So selfish. And then would get mad at me because I didn't come along to cheer him on.
He's been fired from 2 firms and he will blame everyone but himself. He was and still is verbally abusive. He had countless affairs. I can literally go on and on. How I survived that marriage is beyond me. Now we're divorced! You would think that would be end of it. Nope he hates me. Makes co-parenting a nightmare.
He has become father of the universe since being divorced. He makes up his own rules and interprets our divorce decree in in twisted mind. I was injured in Iraq and retired after fifteen years of service. My life has been torn apart. In the past year I have been arrested three times for domestic violence even after I had to call the cops for my wife kicking in the door to my apartment.
I'm going through a divorce and my wife has made false claims about me.
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I presented evidence that my wife has been abusing me and her ex husband was in the Navy and arrested for domestic violence as well. She gets part of both of our retirements. And the guy she left me for is retiring from the Navy now. She preys on military and knows how to use the system. I have been bullied by the Escambia county's Sheriffs when I was arrested they stole money out of my wallet and even stole my zippo lighter.
My wife lied under oath admitted to lying and the judge still put an ankle bracelet on me because I have PTSD. Fighting for this Country has done nothing but cause me pain. And to come home to a disgrace. The only thing worse then what has been done to me is that no one cares and they are not willing to share my story. My son is going through a terrible divorce. The children report that the parents are fighting over them and it makes them feel really bad.
It seems like there is no end in sight. My son feeds into it even tho he says he does not. She is after money of which there is not that much and it will really come out of the children's college fund. I did not receive any help. I felt like aside from some very close friends and family I was the only one who understood what I was dealing with.
I was judged by friends who thought I was just another bitter woman trying to be a bitch. I have been out of the relationship for 8 years now and it is still a nightmare. I suffer from anxiety and my relationship with two of my kids was destroyed. I feel like I had to sacrifice my relationship with them in order to escape their Dad.
Things are beginning to change but the pain he has caused me has been traumatizing. My stomach turns when reading the remarks of children of narcissists because my mother was one. My parents divorced when I was 12, my father left but we couldn't. As was said before it is very hard to convey how awful it is to be under the control of such a person.
She poisoned every relationship including with her 2nd husband, father, brother and friends. My sister and I tried to be of help but she manulipated and lied and eventually tried to suck my children in. I could not allow that but since she was alone I tried to be there for her--she ran out of people to hate, right before she died she disinherited her children and grandchildren with no explanation. Save yourself avoid these people at all costs, you can't "help"! The hardest part of being involved with a narcissist is how they change and the people around them.
It is never for the better. That is why it is always better to avoid them when possible. I was in an incredibly loving 29 year relationship until my wife passed away at age She checked all the boxes except I couldn't figure out why I was so unhappy and yet so attracted at the same time. I kept ending the relationship only to be drawn back in. I only got out permanently, after a dear friend insisted I go talk with a professional therapist She was able to see what was going on very quickly and let me know. I didn't believe her at first, but then my therapist was able to predict what this person was likely to do and to say.
Holy cow, did my world view change. Here is some of what I learned in my crash course: Highly seductive and exciting, narcissistic people are characterized by having very little real emotional capacity, but really good at faking it and being unbelievably good at exerting control, which is all important to them. I had never had any exposure to these types of people , and had always trusted my instincts about people. Having my eyes open rocked my world view. Painful as it was, my "nar-dar" now is super sharp; I can suss out the people with very limited emotional capacity, pretty darn accurately and quickly.
If you're in an unhealthy relationship now, an easy sign is that you rarely feel recharged-- you feel like you give and give. You often feel unbalanced and you may begin to question the value of the very things that are at your core. Chances are YOU have a lot of emotional capacity; that characteristic is what they count on and feed on. I asked the therapist, why does she want to be with me? Her answer; being with you makes her feel more normal-- your emotions are something she wants to feel and can't but being with you is as close as she can come to it.
People who are in relationships with narcissits need also to ask an important question; what about "me" made me so vulnerable to them? Otherwise, there's god chance that you will fall for the same type of person again, especially if you have no other role model. In my experience dating as an adult, while truly narcissistic personality disorder may be a small percentage of the population, a tremendous number of people have emotional capacity that is quite limited.
By definition half the population is below average to begin with; the percentage of people available after broken adult relationships? People with limited emotional capacity can actually be happy together as long as everything goes smoothly enough that hey don't need or want much emotional support from their partners. But people with large emotional capacity need to stay away from the ones with little emotional capacity.
The former will always feel like they don't get what they need and the latter will always feel like they are failing to give enough. Thanks for your comments. I can't believe what I've endured. My father tried to save me from marriage to her 30 years ago. But I had already moved. The hook was set. She manipulates everything. Got most I my retirement. Now wants to pursue more property. She testifies to my abuse but all I did was run away whenever she had one of her tirades.
I felt warn out. Not to say its anything like combat but it grinds you quietly Kids are mostly detached. I got a tenant who used my money while she earned hers. Never had a wife. It's truly amazing the posts that have come in sharing these incredible and painful stories. It was an interesting experience writing this book and learning about how much work there is to do for others to understand this disorder especially when it hits the court system. For those who have read that far, I would love your thoughts on that as well. We would also love to have you join us on Facebook where we will continue the discussion with recovery tips and support.
I cannot wait to read more of your book as your article is so spot-on, concise, and accurately depicts the shock, pain and awe these types of people can cause. I appreciate your thoroughness and educating others. Thank you thank you thank you! I used to become frustrated trying to explain to others bc it seems so fantastical and exaggerated. The drama children of a narcissistic parent deal with can not be overstated.
My father was undiagnosed NPD. His example as a father and person was the worse kind of role model. Children learn by watching and doing and my father has pretty much ruined us in surprising and not so surprising ways. My mother was the complete opposite and as most spouses of narcissists know she suffered physically, and emotionally until she dumped him. The children he favored grew up to be narcissists or have narcissistic behaviors themselves.
The ones he didn't like struggle with poor self images. Everyone is affected. There are six of us in total and at least 2 have followed in his footsteps and the saddest part is that they readily acknowledge that our father was a narcissist without being able to see it in themselves. I feel for their kids.
They are tyrants! Life with my father was always filled with drama. There was always something to go crazy about even with the very smallest of problems. He never seemed to be able to sit still--he had no peace. He either presented himself as a savior or victim. He believed it was his job to be judge and executioner. Compassion and mercy were behaviors he was incapable of showing. He never said he loved his family. I think it never occurred to him.
Putting his family first was impossible for him because that would require him not to put his own needs and desire before ours. Families with a person with NPD are usually fragmented. The children are the hardest hit as they try to get what they need when they feel it isn't coming from that one person they look to for security--their parent. I can't describe the terror I felt when my father was around. I never liked, relied or trusted him--ever. His narcissistic behavior didn't come across as self absorption but as hatred towards us.
It has been a really, really long time since I last spoke to him but the effects are long lasting. No contact is the best a non NPD parent can do for their children and the worst is exposure. When my mom divorced my dad I realized there are two kinds of suffering: the first is the kind one has living with a narcissist and the second is when trying to rid yourself of one. The latter is so much better because without them there are moments of sanity and peace. My father was a narcissist with all the charm and rejection of anyone who did not look, behave, see the world as he did.
His sister believes his personality was mostly formed by his mother's doting attention. I know he did not have a good relationship with his father. I know there was no abuse. I currently am raising my 16 year old son with my partner, his biological mother She cannot say no to my son.
I have the great majority of expectations, basic chores. He is generally a good kid but "plays" us, asks her for everything if there is any chance I will say "no. I no longer hope that she can see this as damaging to him, do not believe she will change. Any thoughts about how I should try to help him? I was married for 18 years to a narcissist sex addict.
While birthing our only child a few years after we got married, it left me partially paralyzed. His narcissism showed up shortly after the birth, as he would leave me alone in the house with a newborn and my 5 yr old from a previous marriage with no help for weeks on end. It is amazing how all three of us survived those years. The three of us are healing but we will never be the same. My son has no contact with his father as he remarried 6 days after our divorce and my son decided he'd had enough of his father's evil ways.
I haven't seen or spoken to my ex since I threw him out as he never showed up to court for the divorce hearing and the judge granted me everything I'd ask for in the proceedings. My daughter is scarred forever from the abuse as we all are and it is my greatest hope each and every day that we continue to heal. Thank you, God! I hear about everyone's horrible experiences, and feel terrible that they have gone through that.
With that in mind, are there any suggestions for me when going through a divorce no children? My husband is refusing to cooperate in granting a divorce. His lawyer does not engage with my lawyer, perhaps under instruction from my husband. I am at a loss as to moving forward. Are there any suggestions from people who have gone through similar situations? This is a fascinating series. I was involved with a narcissist in my early twenties - a childhood crush, the brother of my best friend growing up. I didn't know what hit me pardon the pun. I was lucky that he DID hit me.
I called a domestic abuse hotline and the woman I spoke with told me "be thankful for your bruise; it is proof of what he did to you. The way I finally left was imagining him throwing our future children against a wall. I couldn't protect myself, but I could imagine protecting the children we never had thank goodness. From a daughter's perspective there is no escape from the ravenous manipulations of a mother with full blown self serving madness masquerading as normalcy. Narcissism of the madness type, attempts to emotionally destroy the other for their own purpose. Morality, fairness, and compassion don't exist.
Children are lost for help; eventually they either succumb, emotionally break, or go off to find a new way. While the narcissist is happy to continue plotting their next move totally unconcerned about the well being of anyone; but, themselves. Luckily, we had no children. I think this was a blessing in disguise. Having read articles on narcissism, and having one on one counseling sessions with my therapist, made me realize than I am better off a single man. Her behavior was normal at the beginning, then after we married, her true colors starting to come thru; withdrawn, lack of empathy, no boundaries, subtly verbally abusive, to name a few.
I believe people with this disorder although I like to think it's mental illness , are truly insecure cowards who have never accepted themselves as they are. What a shame. Looking back at this experience made me a stronger person and has made me appreciate a great relationship, which I have now.
The irony is that my new girlfriend was also married to a narcissist who was cheating on her for years , and was caught lie after lie, and still denied any involvement with anyone else. Turns out all his "business" trips weren't all business! Needless to say, we have a lot in common. I'm extremely happy to have entered into a new chapter in my life. You are very lucky to be divorced and two have found someone who understands what you have endured!
I divorced one. He walked away with 10 years of my hard-earned savings then couldn't figure out why I didn't want to be "friends. When I sought refuge in the guest room, he would barge in 6, 7 or 8 times a night screaming at me - and those outbursts were always my fault. The day my father died, he left me to see a cousin who was visiting from out of town.
He had every therapist hoodwinked with his "deep feelings" and the "hurt little boy within. I feel for you. The day my Dad died my husband now ex said to me: "Good, now I don't have to deal with him anymore. It was 20 years ago and I still think about that on the anniversary of his death. Yes, I also went to therapy and my narcissistic spouse had them all fooled with same deep feeling bullshit and the pity party for the little boy - they are very manipulative, as one comment stated this is a mental illness not a personality disorder-they are truly evil people.
Dealing with a high IQ bipolar narcissist was a nightmare. Add to that every manner of illness including grand mal seizures that came on whenever he was stressed made dealing with him impossible. When the children were born he felt displaced since he was no longer the center of attention. His emotional abuse and manipulation were hard enough on me, but his taunting, teasing, and belittling the children was more than I could bear. I knew divorcing him would be miserable and I waited far too long, but luckily he got himself into enough legal drama to be put away for a dozen years for fraud.
Now he looks for pity at his plight, selecting one daughter to carry on my tradition of emotional slavery while he manages to alienate the other two as they have not showed the same degree of concern. This article has been a revelation; my partner has been trying to divorce her husband for two years. Despite a court order requiring the sale of the family home and business assets and the split of the remains equally more or less ; the husband who appears incapable of working gets half her pension He has none he refuses to sign paperwork and is obstructing every possible move towards settlement.
He has poisoned the son's relationship with his mother and has openly declared his intent to financially destroy her. There seems to be no negotiating with him; he is determined to have his own way despite the court order, he challenges everything, is openly abusive and threatening towards his wife and is now on his fourth set of lawyers who like he previous three seem incapable of recognizing him for what he is.
For two years he has lived rent free in the family house his wife had to get out and rented he purports to be a builder yet the place is in decay. He is sad sick man. I had a relationship with a narcissist. Leaving him caused him to alienate my child, and use the court system to cause me financial ruin for the rest of my life. Courts need to be educated. Don't give up.
I have extracted him from my life by not communicating with him, not thinking about him, not reacting to any of his threats or bullying. If your child is safe it is easier to do. So get that handled first at all costs. Then cut off yourself as a source to his energy. It worked for me. He found someone else to manipulate and exploit.
I didn't realize the ugly web I was trapped in until my daughter was born. My highly narcissistic ex-wife began acting in ways that made it clear she felt our daughter was hers, and I was just the father. A possession. There was more going on than NPD—I found out that my ex was a victim of child sexual abuse by her father. Just before we separated, she said to me, "I know you love A our daughter but I have a soul relationship with her that began before she was conceived.
Well what do you say to that?! I loved my daughter more than life itself and still do and made the commitment to stay in her life. The custody fight was terrible but I fought for and got custody little did I know I would pay for that later , and 7 years later she started a full-scale vicious war to alienate my daughter from me when she was 14 , and it worked.
I haven't spoken to my kid for almost 3 years—I'm heartbroken. A psychiatrist friend—he's married to my ex's former best friend—alerted me to my ex's NPD. He said, "They can be oh so charming in the seduction phase. You never want to work for or be married to anyone with narcissistic personality disorder, though.
When scorned or shamed, they take no prisoners. If any of these traits register strongly in your partner, don't ignore them. Get advice and get out if necessary. Requires excessive admiration. My brother, a narcissist, just got engaged. He's been married before and it did not end well. I feel culpable, like I should say or do something.. But I also know that it might be resented and not believed. Until I finally had the opportunity to cut my cancerous narcissistic brother out of my life I was absolutely bewildered by his bizarre wife. My brother's narcissism was so apparent and evident to me that I could never begin to comprehend what kind of woman would be with him of her own free will.
She was alien to me. I never figured it out and no longer care. I'm free of him; I guess he's her karma. Very sad for the kids she bizarrely decided to have late in life. I have paid a terrible price for marrying this man. My crime, was I did not give him the son he wanted. He said "you and the girls mean nothing to me; without a son, I am incomplete. The Minister of our church and three of my girls friends testified I was unfit as a mother.
All of these people received large financial payoffs for their lies.
My x tried to have me killed twice. Eventually I left the country, with his agreement that I could take the two children who remained at home, until just two hours before departure, and then he had a court order to assume full custody which he obtained without any hearing again buying the judge. Today, my two older children, both adults and successful do not have contact with me.
He has told them I was a cocaine addict. The truth is well documented, and witnessed by a few friends. I live in hope that someday, my children will be free of his influence and wealth. My life was shattered and it took years to restore my balance and sense of self. I'm stunned to see the response of this and the original article.
So many of us suffering in a silence created by the monsters in our homes. I don't have spouse issues but realize now there is indeed a spectrum and that I grew up with three different types of narcissist all three entirely self-involved : a manipulative, neglectful father who showed his best face to the world; a grandiose, bullying brother without an ounce of empathy or ability to relate; and an aunt who I was forced into close contact with and who looks now to have had overlapping narcissist and borderline personality disorder a truly terrible woman. I'm gleeful to report I'm free of them all!
This subject really needs to be opened up so that children and young people can learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in friends, dating partners, and coworkers, so they won't be marrying them at all. I knew I was being brought up by "crazy" people but nobody else seemed to realize it. I'm so glad this subject is being opened up. I'm now teaching my own kids about these people and hope they won't fall into intimate relationships with them.
There is usually 'no' real relationship. There's only catering to their needs, demands, and responding to their outbursts. There is little time left for having a relationship, dialogue, etc. They decide what is 'real' - and from then on.. GC, this is where I am at right now. It has never been a relationship and I am sick and worn out from serving this man. My problem is I have nowhere to go and am scared to get a divorce being he has made me very co- dependant.
It would take me forever to go through what has happened since I have been married to him, now 15 yrs. Being married to a narcissist was wonderful at first, when I was swept into his beautiful and exciting orbit. He had turned his attentions to me. Later, his son and I were too much to bother with, too distracting from his self-focus. When his daughter, who is a sociopath, came to live with us, life became unbearably difficult.
Being abused by him for a decade and the divorce that resulted was harder than anything I have gone through. I was isolated, traumatized, terrified, suicidal. And from his perspective, it was all my fault. I am learning to heal and it is slow and fraught. But I look at my son, now 9, who is beginning to thrive now that he is out of his father's and sister's zones of terror. It will take a lifetime to undo this, but our freedom is worth the thousands of dollars, the agony, and the fear of divorcing him. I am grateful that I was supported mostly by my family and friends, who had urged me for years to leave.
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Now, I must rebuild my sense of self-worth, which was decimated by this man for so long. And the guilt I feel Our daughter is divorced from a classic narcissist and they have a parent coordinator who has an excellent reputation, both as a PC and as a psychologist. In many respects, he has been helpful over the past several years but we were surprised and disappointed, early on, over a couple of decisions he made regarding our grandson, one of which was: This 7 year-old child was having a difficult time going to his dad's for visitation and was locking himself in his room when his father came for him, refusing to come out.
It was traumatic - the father blamed the mother who did her best to encourage her child and to find out why he was so reluctant to go. The PC was called on for help. After hearing the problem, he commented that the child was being a brat and his solution was to tell this young boy he had to go and if he resisted, it would mean he would have to spend even more time with his dad than the Agreement called for.
It worked insofar as he no longer barricaded himself in his room -- but the PC never spoke to this child about WHY he was so reluctant to go with his father. To this day, we don't know the reasons. The child is approaching his teen years and still doesn't have a good relationship with his dad who, like so many other narcissists, uses his son as a pawn. I was married to an identical twin. Both my ex and his twin are narcissists and both have explosive personality disorder.
It was only two months after we got married that the episodes of rage started and continued every weeks during our 12 year marriage. We did not have one family vacation without an episode of rage. It was frightening to see the transformation. He was Dr. His opinion was the only opinion that mattered, everyone else had an "incorrect opinion.
He had no sympathy for illness. Anything could set him off. A mug not washed, a light left on, being 5 mins late. The punishments never fit the crime. He would pour cold water on or bang pots and pans to wake the offender up at 5 in the morning. He would disconnect the ether net cord pre wifi and take it to work so none of us could get work done. It became the norm to do whatever it took not to trigger his rage. We were all walking on egg shells.
The final straw was when I was painting my sons room and my ex came in, yelled at me, grabbed the paint brush from my hand and shoved me into the wall. It was the first time that I feared for my safety. My oldest daughter heard the yelling and came running upstairs. She tried calling the police but my ex shoved her into the wall and ripped the phone out of her hands and the wall.
Both my daughters told him that they dreamt he was going to kill me while they were at school or that he was going to kill us all in our sleep. He just stood there and laughed. People always ask why I didn't leave sooner. Once you are under the spell of a narcissist, it is hard to leave. They drain you of all your emotional and physical energy. It becomes a matter of survival. It has been 5 years since I left. He is engaged to another woman but told my son recently that he is never going away.
No contact, no contact, no contact! My, now ex, told me that I wasn't loading the dishwasher correctly. This as all the posts is such a sad story. It reminds me of a story of someone I interviewed for the book. He said, " My ex asked me for a plate. I got the plate and put it in front of her and she said, 'Oh, that's not where I wanted it. This is called projection. I got to divorce a narcissist who is a divorce attorney I have not been left alone for 8 years.
I finally stood my ground and they have backed down. They will not take their claws off once they get hold of you. And never trust being nice it is a ploy to get something they want. It's exhausting and I have held off getting on with my life while I navigate dealing with them and raise our 3 kids.
Truly is an illness and I see that a narcissist never gets help the victim does. They have no idea and obviously don't care even if they do. I divorced one! He still has not moved on and when everything stopped involving or revolving around him, his temper became worse! I have so much proof that if the writer would ever like to see my files, please let me know.
He still tries to turn things around. He was cheating on the kids, calling hookers, but told his family I was the one cheating when he was. I have the phone records to prove it. They get 10x worse when you divorce them. Get all in order before you do. All your proof, they blow their top!
Married and had one child with a NPD. Did not figure out where the rages, the lack of support and the constant accusations came from until years had passed and a threat to the family's unity forced me to check and made me discover the extent of his long going lies and serial infidelities. Left him shortly afterwards and managed to have him sign a voluntary custody agreement where he looks good and to get a divorce, but he is still actioning me in court nonetheless.
He will never let go and uses the court system as a boxing ring with no regards to the harm this does to our child. After significant legal expenses and after realizing that he was really only using litigation to get to me, best move I made was to represent myself. Besides his image, the only other thing that gets a narcissist to react is his pocket book. Every legal move I now make costs me little, but costs him tons. My sympathy and best wishes to you all. This is truly one of the hardest and loneliest fights to fight, with no end in sight.
I feel the pain, but hold onto the light. You have integrity, empathy and decency, and no one can't take that away from you! Please tell me how I can learn about how to represent myself? I'm in a divorce with a narcissist and my money will run out soon I just separated from my boyfriend after four years of manipulation and psychological abuse. I would have no contact with him except that we have a 2 year old together.
Everything I've read says there's nothing I can do about this. My lawyer says we can spend a lot of money trying to fight my ex but that likely not much will change. Will this book give me advice on what to do legally? Also, the only reason I even know about narcissism as a disorder is because he accused me of being one and a drunk and irresponsible mother. My friends and family all agree that his accusations are laughable and that he is the one who is clearly the narcissist. My son married a narcissist.
My husband told hom he was making the biggest mistake of his life if he married her. Having known her only 8 weeks , he brought her home to meet us. We didn't know about the term NPD but we knew we didn't care for her. She turned every conversation back to herself. They were married within a year, and became pregnant immediately. She has been fired from every position she had but it was always their fault.
She would not allow our son to talk to us unless the phone was on speaker. There are many more stories but the gist of it is, he had an affair and she threatened to divorce him. It was his way out. The divorce is taking a year and a half. She managed to tell his commanding officer he was a well regarded Lt. He was released from the Navy, and she became furious that he took a paycut in his new job. She moved back in with her parents. We have to ask for FaceTime with our grandson and she occasionally allows it.
If you are the victim of a narcissist know that if you have something on him that he doesn't want others to know, that you would happily spread it about town if he alienates you from your kids or interferes in your life in any way. He might head for the hills. Narcissists have serious mommy problems and so aren't real fond of women anyway. My husband of 22 years was a classic case. I tried to divorce him at year 17 because of the toxic household environment and he talked me out of it. Five years later things got worse with the children and I did it. He didn't go quietly.
Court orders, etc. He used the children by brainwashing them to believe that I, the mother, had destroyed the family. It took years before my children, of whom I had custody, understood the truth. As I say to my grown children now, in their 20s and 30 s, "I had to cut out the cancer that was eating away at the family.
No spouse issues here but a 'partner' in managing my elderly mother's life, my oldest sister, is a full blown narcissist with vindictive tendencies on top of being bi-polar. She has the need to appear godlike and omnipotent and trusts no one other than her religious fanatic husband and her own children. For years another high-achieving sibling closest to the narcissist in age was subject to her unrelenting criticism. My sister feels she is the only one who can address my mother's needs, though she has to direct others on how to do so.
Unfortunately she is crazy and even has put my mother in harm's way by ignoring physician directives etc. Managing this and dealing with my sister's false perceptions along with unreasonable and unrealistic demands has drained us all. Unfortunately we can't divorce her. Reading this article helps in managing this albatross who doesn't hang around our necks but burrows deep under our skin.
My narcissist ex husband was way ahead of me before I ever filed for divorce. He had started an affair, he had set up his next life, all the while making me believe that we were "alright". When I finally learned of his betrayal, and filed for divorce, he had arranged our financial assets in such a way that I way literally on the streets. My attorney was at a loss and could not find a way to save my situation. If I had not been the one to take legal action first, his "face" would have been saved, and I probably would have faired much better.
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However, I could not sit back and wait for him to give our assets to another woman which he was slowly putting those in her name and live with the pain of his deception any longer. Once the divorce was final, he continued to find ways to spew his hatred in ways that were childish and completely unfounded. Not our first marriage, our children were from separate marriages, he found a way to completely cut me off from his family, grandchildren that I had considered mine since their birth.